~Hectic day~

I feel very tired nowadays. The burden I carried became heavier than before. Sad because nobody seems able to help me out. What to do? Today I did a very bad things during my field methods trip to the Fernarium( Taman Paku Pakis). It makes me looks ugly or even looks like a bad person. I have no choice. Guess what I did? I scolded my group members for coming late. When I called one the member who is a Malay guy, he told me that he just wake up. Guess what I did again? I scolded him quite badly in the phone& other coursemates look at me. Then, I scolded other three of the guys in my group as well. Maybe they had regretted to join my group already. What to do? Nobody want to do the bad person character – to scold the late-comers. Imagine they late for nearly half an hour. Then ,the other member late for nearly one and a half hour. Imagine I am the person who do not like to scold people. Nobody know how I felt after I scolded people. I feel sad but what to do I need to hide it. I even scolded one of my friends who came late also. What to do? I have to be fair. Maybe she has grew to dislikes me already. What to do?Another friend will think why must I scold them? Why? The reason is I want them to be punctual and do their work well. It is a group project. I do not want to delay anymore.I really very tired. Imagine I have to carry my family’s burden in shoulder since I born. What should I do?
Imagine yourself need to take care of your family’s name because one of your family member keep ruining the family’s name. I need to take care of my family’s name because I am very to see my parents being look down by other relatives. What to do if you born to not-so- rich family? What to do if your parents cannot afford to pay for your fees when you are in secondary school? What to do if your brother keep ruining the family’s name?
What to do if you want tuition for subjects that you are weak in but cannot do it because of family’s condition?
What to do if you have no other choice in your life?
I keep telling myself that I can control my destiny-in order to hang on to my life for so long.
I cannot give up my family. Without them, I would not be in this world also.
I just really need to hang on..
Imagine if one day, I just let go everything. What will happen ?
If your heart no in it. What will happen?
Because of so many things that I need to handle at time, I really did not laugh for quite long already when I come to UKM..sad.. I can make other people around me laugh but nobody able to make me laugh. “Where is the bright smiling face that you used to have last time?”-one of my close friend in hometown ask me. “where has it gone?”-other friend ask.. I do not how to tell them.
Some of them asked me to come back to my hometown-they did not like to see me like that..
What can I do to bring back the bright smile in my face again?
What to do if you want to smile but need to sigh instead?

Sigh…